Hello my the surprised friend!

A great email received from “Tatyana” in Russia yesterday. The English is so contorted, it makes an entertaining read. I’m thinking Tatyana might have run the original Russian through Babelfish …

There’s also an attachment – resume.doc – which I was very tempted to open, because it’s such an entertaining email. The crowning glory is the return address for the email – “werygoodlove” from a German domain.

Here’s the full email:

SUBJECT: If you are serious Also it is interested in me..

Hello my the surprised friend! My name Tatyana and I wish to take away from you at all a lot of time and To penetrate in wash the letter! My trade the doctor the dentist. At me has arisen The brilliant idea to try to find love not in that place where I I live namely not in Russia! In me there were such emotions from the recent Time! I would like to tell to you about it my friend. On my work In Stomotologichesky Polyclinic I had a chance that I will go on an exchange On practice in other city for me it was good and not much not on To itself because to go to other city on practice! At me is not present there Friends or even I am simple girlfriends with which I can to spend time cheerfully And to speak about problems in mine to a new life. But all has exchanged and on To exchange there has gone my colleague which only not for a long time has come to us on Work after the termination of Medical university. But desire to find The acquaintance from other country at me remains on former. I thought much About a step as acquaintance to the person from other country.

Once after Works I have gone on foot because weather was fine and saw as Loving couples follow a hand and exchange gentle kisses. To me not Tenderness and the favourite person in the suffices a life and it became me Very clearly after this walk. I like to walk sometimes one Alone with themselves and to think about the lives. In my city I could not To find the happiness and till now it is lonely. For myself I have resolved To search for the love in other country. Especially I heard much about that That people from other countries are more romantic and are careful apropos Relations with women, so to say they have a spark in eyes! I am ready Completely to this step also has bought yours an e-mail in International Dating Agency. To me have told that you my friend very good lonely person with Kind and open heart. I wish to tell about myself directly that To me 29 years and my growth 168 see I live to Russia, city Cheboksary. I I wish to be happy life in the and I have serious sights at this The world. At me the big age and is a lot of experience behind shoulders. I am confident that We can find with you the general a theme of conversation and learn each other It is more. I hope to see yours the letter my friend about your life. As I To place my foto with the letter and some resume in a file. To me very much It would be desirable to see yours the letter and to have with you acquaintance. I would like To see that we became good friends and not only.

If you are serious Also it is interested in me please reply only to my personal e-mail: <EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED>

My letter to you was sent by manager International Dating Agency Therefore write on my personals an e-mail: <EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED> Yours new friend Tatyana.

More Effort Required – D+

After such an inventive effort yesterday from Tajikistan, today’s scam email I received was pathetic. If you want to convince punters that it’s a legitimate offer, you’ve really got to try a lot harder than this:

We are an Academy award Movie Production Company.In our salvaging Economic Recession crisis program, you are selected as our beneficiary From one of the 5 sales country to benefit $530.000.00,this is not a Lottery promotion.

To offset the cash to you send an email message to: <email address removed>

Do include: Your Full name, Occupation & Telephone number. To authenticate this, e-mail us.

–

For a start, where’s the florid language, the overly-detailed background as to why this fabulous quantity of money is suddenly available? There wasn’t even a proper subject line to the email, just “Re:”.

Then, there is no attempt to be clever with email addresses. The email alias uses a grasinc.com domain, the real email address is virgilio.it, and the email address they want punters to reply to is lokhandwalarocks.com.

This ain’t going to fool anyone … or … maybe this one is real??? Hmmmm.

Greetings from Tajikistan!

I love the creativity that goes into these email scams. This is the first I’ve received from Tajikistan!

I know very well that you will be surprise reading this kind of message from unknown person from far country that is not close to yours which I’m well convinced that is a divine direction. To start with, I am Boboeva Rafoat, a 49 years old woman from Tajikistan who was formerly the Main – director of children crisis, centre, director of women organization, coordinator – the league of women lawyers on north region. After 1992-97 war between a hard-line secular government and mostly Islamic opposition in Tajikistan left about 100,000 people dead and the nation’s economy in shambles, I was removed from the post by the government of Emomali Rakhmon, who is now in third term as president. Please, I don’t want you to see my message to you as a mistake; I have a great purpose contacting you which I know will be of a great benefit to you and your entire family in time to come. During my leadership as director of children crisis, centre, director of women organization, coordinator – the league of women lawyers on north region, Mahmadruzi Iskandarov who was a field commander in Tajikistan’s civil war of the early 1990s used me in moving the sum of 28.9 million US dollars out side the country for foreign investments. Now Mr.Mahmadruzi Iskandarov was kidnapped in Moscow and secretly brought to Tajikistan when an extradition request failed. Critics say the case against him is politically motivated. He was found guilty of illegal possession of arms, embezzlement of government money, and for organising what the Supreme Court judge called “terrorist acts.” The terrorism charges relate to an attack on a militia post in Mr Iskandarov’s native region of Tajikabad last year which the authorities say he helped to organise. On Tuesday, another former civil war field commander, Eribek Ibragimov, was sentenced to 22 years in prison for taking part in the same attack. Mr Ibragimov had supported the Islamic opposition in the war. In exile, after the civil war, Mr Iskandarov became leader of the opposition Democratic Party. He entered the government following a peace deal in 1998 and was appointed head of the state gas company. But he left that post following accusations of embezzlement and went to Russia two years ago. There he was arrested, but the Russian courts turned down an extradition request from Tajikistan. Some time later, he was kidnapped in a Moscow suburb and subsequently turned up in the Tajik capital, Dushanbe, prompting an outcry from human rights groups. Since the government has putting me under house arrest, due to their suspicious over my relationship with Mr.Mahmadruzi Iskandarov, I will like you to do me a favour in standing as my foreign partner who will contact the Finance Institute for the clearance of a deposit, which every documents bears my name as the depositor. Contact me urgently for us to discuss this deal in details. At my position now, oral communication is not permitted from me due to monitors from government but I can use my Laptop, but with faith and trust, I know you will not betray my trust in future. Reply me urgently with more information about yourself for a proper confirmation of your capability of handling this deal/investment of the money since my time of coming out from the government hand is something I can not predict for now. I know that is risk discussing this kind of deal in the internet but due to my position now, I have no option then to take the risk in other to secure this huge amount of funds.

Sincerely yours,

Ms.Boboeva Rafoat

Thank Goodness MasterChef is Over!

Thank goodness MasterChef Australia is over. I don’t know how much more I could have taken. The pressure has been intense.

Julie - the winner

Since the show started,  I have been forced to serve up meal after meal of increasing difficulty and complexity. Although it was a massive boost for my confidence recently when Mister Four scored me a “twenty thousand million out of ten” for my amuse-bouche of quail eggwhite omelette and misted gazpacho. Mister Ten was not quite so generous, giving me a five and saying that he felt there was no balance between the sweet and savoury flavours on the plate. Mister Twelve was much more positive scoring me an eight, but felt that the mint and dill garnish should have “looked more like autumn leaves that had fallen”.

The Masterchef season has also been a period of incredible inconvenience. Deconstructed sandwiches are very difficult to pack into school lunchboxes, and the boys’ demand for fresh sourdough keeps us up baking into the early hours.

And it’s been really embarrassing at the hockey field canteen when Mister Four insists on a tomato reduction with his sausage sandwich. Although, it has to be said, the canteen organisers had already bowed to pressure from other children by offering sausage options of duck neck and sage, or pork and fennel. Surely a tomato jus isn’t too much to ask?

We have been under tight scrutiny in the kitchen, questioned on everything from our choice of ingredients and cooking technique to “plating up”. Mister Twelve pulled me up recently for my choux pastry, which I was preparing for our weekly croque-en-bouche. “It’s a little dry,” he said critically, rolling a piece around between thumb and forefinger. “There’s no way your profiteroles are going to hold together. My recommendation is that you start again.”

Our kitchen, not the largest to begin with, is now so crammed full of appliances and specialist cooking utensils that it is becoming difficult to find what we need. The other day, while making mashed potatoes, or pomme puree as the boys insist we call it, I couldn’t locate the moulis and had to serve up a grainy mash that attracted considerable negative comment.

So, from now on, it’s back to our usual fare of chops and three veg, ham and cheese macaroni, and schnitzel and salad. For school lunches, it’s back to sliced white with devon and plastic cheese. Whew!

A word of advice to the MasterChef Australia producers for next season: can you employ those women with their four-ingredient recipes? That would make things so much easier for all of us. And a word of advice to the hockey canteen: keep making the duck neck and sage sausages – they’re delicious!

Rant – Australian Taxpayers are Funding you Ben!

Get off your arse Ben!

The Mangle is following Ben Southall on Twitter, along with two and a half thousand others. Well done to Cummins Nitro for the “Best Job in the World” campaign – an incredible success, and congratulations on your three Gold Lions at Cannes. That said, we (as in Australian taxpayers) are funding Ben’s little sojourn in paradise to the tune of $150,000 for the next six months – so we would like some decent output for our money.

So here’s my gripe -

1. 2,500 followers on Twitter is pathetic. Please do something to increase this communications channel
2. Ben’s tweets are atrocious – here’s the latest sample:
   You have to visit Cassius the 100yr old 18′6″ crocodile at Marineland Melansia…he’s huge. George fed him a tuna head as we stood there!! (http://twitter.com/Bensouthall/status/2595356884) – “Melansia“? WTF is “Melansia“? And, Ben, we have been metric for 30 years – so WTF is 18″6′? Cassius is believed to be 60-80 years old, not 100. How can you get it so wrong in 140 characters? And don’t get me started on you calling it “expresso” coffee the other day, or the shocking grammar and spelling throughout.
3. Since arriving to start your job on July 1, you have succeeded in sending about 25 tweets. That’s about two a day. Pathetic. You can’t even claim that you’ve been spending all your time updating your blog. Your latest post was July 3 (http://www.bestjobben.com/2009/07/03/when-i-get-a-second-i-promise-ill-write-more/). You’re not on *&*&T$#%% holidays – you’re supposed to be working!
4. OK, so you’ve got an official blog happening at http://www.islandreefjob.com, but it’s really not much of an ask.

So, get off your arse Ben and start working. Otherwise, as one of those paying your salary, I’ll be lobbying to have you fired! (And, yes, it is also a large case of sour grapes.)

Night Out

A friend of a friend passed on this photo to The Mangle from a Facebook  profile as a laugh. Have a look at the picture below and see if it reminds you of anything … (answer revealed further down the page!)

 

How did you go?

You needed to cast your mind back to 1990, and episode ten from the first season of The Simpsons: “Homer’s Night Out“. Homer finds himself in strife at home, thanks to a photo of him with a bellydancer that circulated Springfield. I don’t know what the motivation behind the photo above was, but if it is an homage to The Simpsons, I take my hat off. If not, look out man!

OK, so The Mangle got it wrong. Apple didn’t release its new iPhone with an HD video camera. It turns out my Apple insider got confused with a prototype of the 2010 release model … Instead, we get the iPhone 3G S.

It’s gotta be said that for once, the hype and build up created by Apple completely outweighed the impact of the launch itself. We were all expecting something revolutionary – and all we got was a faster version of the previous model, with a few gymicky features.

It’s a bit faster, it’s got voice control, GPS and can play videos a bit better. Hardly ground-breaking stuff. Apple – you need to get a move on – or you will be overtaken by your competitors! The game changer is HD video. If you can get this out sooner than later, the market is yours for another 2-5 years.

New iPhone to Shoot HD Video?

With Apple set to release its latest iPhone next week, rumours are flying as to what new features and capabilities it will have. The strongest tip, according to an Apple insider who has seen the new model, is that it will be able to shoot and edit high-definition (HD) video.

“Video without doubt represents the next wave of communication on the ‘net,” said the Apple insider. “We are seeing video news breaking every day – shot by normal people with their mobile phones, like the US Airways jet crash landing in the Hudson River.”

Combining a HD video camera with some basic editing functions in the new iPhone, users will be able to not only shoot video but also post it to the web or send it by email without using any other other digital device. Not bad!

Obama’s “Blackberry One” Confirmed

BlackBerry One

As predicted in this blog back in November last year, The Mangle can confirm that US President Barack Obama will be getting his own, specially-designed secure Blackberry – dubbed the “Blackberry One”. You can read about it in UK’s Register: “Obama awaiting super-secure BlackBerry delivery“.

While we got a couple of things wrong – we said it would be based on the 8700c model (see pictured design left), but it will be the Blackberry 8830 (see pictured design right) – we got most of it right. The Mangle had some details not yet confirmed in the press: only six units will be made, and the device itself will be secured using voice biometrics and a remote self-destruct capability. Understandably, some of this detail may never be released to the public, due to its obvious security implications.

Interestingly, Obama doesn’t want one of the touchscreen models, such as the Blackberry Bold or Storm. I wonder if this is a personal preference, or some sort of inherent security weakness in the touchscreen technology? Only time will tell. I wonder how hard the lobbyists from Apple worked to try and talk the White House into an “iPhone One”?

Best Job in the World? Bah, Humbug!

Late last year a friend sent me an email about a great short-term job, suggesting that I should apply. With long service leave due, it sounded like an ideal opportunity to take the family on a new adventure and have a sabbatical from work. Even the job application process was novel:  I had to shoot and submit a one minute video extolling my virtues.

Just to give some background, it is a position with Tourism Queensland advertised as “The Best Job in the World” – a six-month paid sojourn on Hamilton Island in the Great Barrier Reef. TQ’s promotion has been incredibly successful, with my video and more than 34,000 others submitted from around the world.

With so many people applying I didn’t hold out much hope of being selected in the shortlist of 50. Also, the sound mix on my video was a little dodgy, and I wish I had spent more time on the script and edit.  What I did have that was different to most of the applications was experience and a family with three young, adventurous, nature-loving boys. Maybe TQ might buck the stereotype, I thought, and consider a family for the job?

But no. With the except for a token “old” Canadian (late 30s), the shortlist is made up of pretty, bubbly young things. Sure – looking good in a cossie is an important consideration, but isn’t the idea to promote the Great Barrier Reef, not someone’s career? It all has the stench of Big Brother about it. In amongst the 50, there’s a selection of TV and video presenters, newsreaders and aspiring actors. And there was even an alleged porn star! (since withdrawn)

Is the young crowd the one that TQ really wants to attract to the Reef? If 20-somethings are anything like I was when I was travelling at that age, they’re a self-centred bunch and they don’t spend any money. It’s all about ‘finding yourself’ and scrounging free food and accommodation. On my first trip overseas, I slept on a friend’s brother’s couch in Vancouver for a week, then spent two weeks drifting around Canada surviving on an almond Mars Bar a day – and that was for two of us!

While I’m having a go at this younger generation, what happened to the idea of doing your own work? Most of the videos that made it through are slickly-produced numbers that show the signs of professional help. What’s going to happen when you get to the Reef and it’s just you and a camera? Maybe they’re planning to fill the island lodgings with all their freeloader mates.

Sour grapes, you say? No, not at all. But if there is a family-friendly island out there that needs my services, I’m listening to offers.