The IOC is planning to launch the world “Hypolympics”, to run once every four years, starting in Beijing in 2010. Having fought a losing battle with drugs in sport over the past few decades, the IOC is tackling the problem in a very lateral way – encouraging athletes to choose to compete in an alternative world sporting competition where no drug testing will take place.
The Hypolympics will feature athletes who openly admit to taking performance enhancing drugs. That means that any athlete who is currently involved in doping can continue to earn a living from their sport, by competing in events like the Hypolympics, the Hypo World Championships and the Hypo Golden League.
Asked why the IOC wants to encourage drugs in sport, an anonymous committee member said: “It’s not about encouragement; it’s just admitting that the problem is too big to fight. So why not turn it around to everyone’s advantage?”
“Not very long ago there was a lot of debate about professionalism at the Olympics. We have quickly accepted the loss of the event’s ‘amateur’ status. Now, it is the same with drugs. As a spectator, I’d certainly like to see a long jumper reaching the end of the pit, or a marathon contested at the pace of a regular 400 metre race – especially with the added excitement that one or more of the athletes might suddenly collapse from the effects of too much pseudoephedrine, with the finishing line in sight. I’d love to see some huge male sprinters, high on testosterone from anabolic steroids, dancing and posturing after a big win, or throwing tantrums on the track when things don’t go their way.”
“Also, the Hypolympics will actually help our anti-doping efforts. All of a sudden, the guesswork is taken out of drug testing. Drug agencies can use the Hypo athletes as samples to test and develop new screening programs to administer to the regular, clean Olympic athletes. Drug companies would also benefit. Not only can they become legitimate producers of previously illegal drugs, they can also market these products by sponsoring the high-profile athletes using them.”
“We also create a much more equitable Olympics – no longer will there be such a big chasm between the wealthier nations and the poorer ones.”
Sounds great: I can see the ads now: “John Smith, Hypolympics gold medal winner in Beijing, relied on Acme Corp’s range of human growth hormone supplements.” For sports commentators, the events suddenly open up a whole new field of observations: “Ramon Salazar, Cuba’s representative in the super hypo-heavyweight category is about to come onto the stage. He is the real dark horse of the competition, more than 100 kilos heavier than his nearest competitor, and the only athlete here that has completed a course of gene therapy. According to Ramon’s personal scientist, the treatment has actually been too successful. His muscles just won’t stop growing!” “It’s good to see Ben Johnson back running in the hypo-100 metres. It’s a shame that his coach still has him on the same brand of stanozolol he was using in the late ‘80s. I don’t really rate him against this finals field as most of the runners he is up against have been using “Acme’s Stanoz Plus”. I guess Ben is a bit of a traditionalist…”
